I watched silently, as an observer should, without judging, without giving mean looks, as the mother told her screaming two and a half year old daughter to stop crying right now or else… She kept on screaming though…
By lunchtime, we had been at the children’s area at the club for about 15 minutes, when a mother with her three children and her maid walked in. The mother put each of her 1 year old boys in two adjacent swings, then asked her eldest daughter, the 2 and a half year old, to help her push the boys in the swings. The girl obeyed and started pushing one of her brothers. “No!” The mother said sternly. “Not side to side. Push back and forth” The girl tried again and, again she got a stern “No!” This happened over and over, about 6 times. “Fine then,” said the mother as she pulled her away. “Stand here in the corner till you behave.”
And then the tantrum started.
“No. You will stand there till you stop crying.” “But I want cake” “No. Stop crying” “Mommmmmmmyyyyy noooooo” “Stop crying now. You are being a very naughty girl”
I mentally applauded the mother for not giving in to the child’s tantrum, especially in public….people started looking and staring and the mother stood her ground.
The mother turned her back on the girl and continued swinging one of the boys while the girl screamed. Then the grandmother showed up. And to my surprise, she said, “What’s going on here? Are you being a naughty girl again?” The mother asked her to ignore the girl. And the grandmother went over to the other boy on the swing and started cooing at him and complementing his clothes and telling him how cute he was….
Now. I don’t know anything about this family. I don’t know anything. And as an outsider, I can only observe as I’m in no place to judge. I’m sure all mothers out there do their best and each mother has her own problems and issues and lots of crap going on in her life. I mean, this mum in specific just had three kids in less than three years…I can’t imagine what her life must be like. I’ve got just one and I often lose it.
However.
A “However” must be said here. Children’s behavior is often a reflection of a very real issue. A symptom of a very serious problem. This “naughty” girl is throwing tantrums and disobeying her parents and acting out. But that isn’t the actual problem. And hence, the solution can’t be to punish her in the corner. The problem, simply put, is that she is jealous of her twin brothers. She is jealous of all the attention they are getting. She doesn’t want to be the older sister who stands by and pushes her brothers on the swing. She wants to be the kid in the swing. She wants grandma to compliment her too. She wants her mommy all to herself again. She tries hard to impress mommy and get her attention, but only succeeds in getting negative attention.
It’s tough being the first, and forgotten child, once a child is succeeded by siblings. Parents often forget that their first child is still a child. “You are a big girl now.” Is she really? Some one-on-one is needed. Some special attention. A date night with just daddy maybe. A special dinner at grandma’s with that child’s favorite food. And most importantly, inclusion in younger siblings activities is needed. The mother at the club indeed tried to include the girl – by having her push her brothers on the swings. But, it’s possible that she chose the wrong activity. Maybe the girls would rather be included in bath time or story time. The point is – don’t label your child as naughty and try to treat that symptom. Label your child as “just a child” and help them solve their problem. Fix their perspective. Fix your perspective.
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